


Someone Loves Robert

by DruidDan



Category: Everybody Loves Raymond
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-23
Updated: 2013-06-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 20:44:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DruidDan/pseuds/DruidDan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Robert was gay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Someone Loves Robert

**Author's Note:**

> This basically takes off during the episode 'What's with Robert' after the main kitchen scene at Marie and Frank's house when they try and get Robert to admit he was gay. This tries to explore what it would be like if he really was. I reference many of the events of that episode as well as several other episodes but I think for the most part you can read this even if you won't catch every joke.

Robert was totally stunned. The day hadn’t started off well with Amy breaking up with him…again after they got in a fight about his lack of a proposal and their future in general, but then he walked into his parents’ kitchen only to have his whole family somehow magically convinced beyond a doubt that he was gay. Words were flying before he could really form a coherent timeline of how they came to this conclusion, yet all the arrows seemed to point unsurprisingly to… Raymond.

He found himself aimless. At first he followed his instincts and blamed Ray. That worked for a while because Ray had been the one to start off the grapevine, at least from Robert’s perspective. But more and more he found himself letting their words sink in, and the more he did, the more confused he was.

Truth be told this wasn’t the first time this had come up. Even more so, this wasn’t the first time he himself had considered it a possibility before quickly pushing it from his mind. He distracted himself with something or some excuse, always told himself he was just picky, or invested himself in his wife, then his depression when his marriage fell apart spectacularly, then his harmless almost invisible “crush” on Debra, then Amy, and now what?

His former wife, Joanne, had even suggested it once; during some of their dark times. Sure she had meant it in a horrible, gay-baiting backhanded way, designed to make him feel bad about himself and less than a “true” man. His whole marriage was like that, and yet he constantly kept telling himself he was happy regardless of the evidence. Why was it so important to pretend to be happy?

He kept telling himself, he just didn’t want to settle. That’s why all his relationships didn’t work out. Why he let them just drop after that final big fight that always seemed to occur, why he never fought for them. Did he even want to be in them in the first place?

Every minute that passed he was cast further into doubt. I mean he loved women right? Or did he just want to love them? He did notice guys, like when one was really cut at the gym or whatever but that was normal, right?

Another thing that kept coming to mind was a sergeant that he used to know from his force, and how he was the straightest arrow he had ever met until his trip to Hawaii and BAMN he met some guy and the lightning bolt struck. They were still together, and going by the last letter he got from him, they were still deliriously happy.

Maybe he was just like that sergeant, maybe he just needed to let go of everything he had thought about himself in order to really be happy, truly happy… for once.

***

Robert found himself at the firing range. He often ended up there when he needed to clear his head.

As he started taking his first few shots he barely noticed when suddenly wasn’t alone in the range. Shot after shot, and he was on a roll. He was just about to make the master shot between the eyes when one random wayward glance to the side emptied the air out of his lungs. The man just a few stations down was the cause of this apparent inability to breathe.

Just like the sergeant, a bell went off.

He was very handsome, but he wasn’t a supermodel, that wasn’t the point. There was something about him, something Robert didn’t have a word for. He was younger than Robert (probably mid-30s), shorter obviously, with fair skin and dark brown hair, parted as neatly as the slight waves in his hair allowed. He had glasses, and wore a teal cardigan and jeans.

He smiled briefly when he looked up catching Robert’s eyes, before walking over to two other men who had also finished their own clips. He showed off his target poster with false pride, having missed the figure at its center entirely. He stuck his tongue between his teeth with a roll of his eyes, as his friends ribbed him about it good-naturedly.

Robert closed his eyes and took a breath, psyching himself up. He licked his suddenly dry lips and with one last smoothing of his hair he made his way over to the man. He and his friends were laughing and before Robert could stop himself he made cleared his throat loudly and a bit to forcefully. The other man turned around startled, adjusting his glasses.

“Hello, I…I’m Sergeant Robert Barone NYPD.” He said all in one breath, holding out a stiff hand for the younger man to shake.

“Lewis… Lewis Dinapoli.” He smiled hesitantly, taking Robert’s tense hand which relaxed as soon as he did so. Behind him, Lewis’ friends shared amused and bemused looks, before forming twin smiles.

***  
“You’re pretty new at this aren’t you?” Lewis asked gently as Robert self-consciously lowered the napkin he had been furiously dabbing his forehead with. They were at Nemo’s, on their first official date. Robert wanted to be somewhere he felt comfortable, knowing that was impossible he tried his best regardless.

“No, I… yes.” He finished, and he blushed. Lewis smiled, and his cheeks to grew slightly red after a moment.

“Newly out?”

“I’m not actually out so much as… in.” Robert said avoiding eye contact.

There was a pause and Robert decided to look up and Lewis was just looking at him, not glaring or mad, just looking and he was biting his lower lip ever so slightly.

“You see before the other day at the gun range, when I asked you out… I didn’t quite realize I was gay.”

Lewis still didn’t saying anything, he was just contemplative, still biting his lower lip.

“Like at all?” He asked finally, “Not even secretly?”

“Well I suspected here and there, as one possible theory as to my problems with romance but I never really considered it as viable.” Robert stammered.

“Until you met me.”

“Right.”

Lewis went quiet again before smiling shyly.

“That’s a lot to live up to, a lot of pressure.” Lewis took a sip of his drink, “I’ll do my best to make you not regret it.”

Robert smiled at last.

“So what do you?”

“I’m a music teacher at PS 13.” Lewis said twining his spaghetti around his fork, “It’s no NYPD but it’s what I like to do.” He smiled.

“No that’s wonderful, wonderful, I have two nephews who go to a private elementary school right near there as a matter of fact.” Robert said his tone becoming ebullient.

“Our lady of Faith right? Yeah we sometimes do field trips together, Father Hubley is a great friend, I’ve known him since I was little boy.”

The two laughed and talked for what seemed like forever, Robert had never spent a similar evening with a woman were he was fully able to relax and let himself go. With Lewis he felt totally at ease, he wasn’t worried if he was saying the wrong thing or feeling nervous about the wait staff judging him.

When the check came, they both reached for it, pulled their hands back and then reached for it again before laughing.

“Dutch?” Lewis suggested.

“No, no I asked you out, I’ll get this.” Robert smiled.

“Okay only if you let me get it next time.” Lewis grinned back, readjusting his glasses.

“So there will be a next time?” Robert asked expectantly.

“I was hoping so.” Lewis blushed.

“Well then next time it’s on you.” Robert smiled, reaching across the table and place his hand on Lewis’.

***

Robert walked Lewis back to his car and they just chatted softly all the way, never really a pause or break. No awkwardness or, perhaps miraculously, no moments where Robert’s foot found itself in his mouth.

As Lewis opened his door, he turned back and finally there was silent moment.

They stood there just looking at each other and before Robert knew it he began to tense up again, and fidget with his hands and stammer. Lewis smiled with small roll of his eyes and grasped Robert’s lapel pulling him down to his level, placing a gently kiss on his lips. Robert immediately relaxed and this kiss deepened but remained acceptable for a public place.

As they parted, they were both smiling, still holding each other’s hand.

“I’ll call you.” Robert sighed happily.

“Can’t wait.” Lewis let go of the policeman’s hand and got into his car, with one last look back he smiled and drove away: leaving Robert standing there, grinning like an idiot.

***

Ray had been trying to apologize to Robert for almost two weeks. But his older brother almost always seemed to be busy lately. He hadn’t meant for things to get out of hand when he told their parents’ Amy’s theory (not that he even had a chance to let it slip that Amy thought Robert was gay to Robert himself that is… and boy was he not looking forward to that coming up) but he just didn’t think before he spoke, he never seemed to, he always just blurt out whatever was in his head.

Ray had eaten just enough of Debra’s dinner to get just an eye roll rather than her usual tirade, so he was going to reward himself by going to see what his mom had cooking.

The very moment he walked in the door he regretted it.

“YOU’RE OUT OF YOUR FREAKING GOURD WOMAN!” His father shouted at the top of his lungs. Meanwhile his mother was crying, which should trigger sadness and sympathy but then again she had designed it to do just that. It was her usually, manic, noisy whimpers and dramatic sighs.

“Raymond! Thank god! Maybe you can talk some sense into your father!”

Ray’s eyes widened and he took a small back step towards the door.

“Actually I think I hear Debra calling me…” But his voice faded in defeat as his mother pulled him into the kitchen further, ignoring his words completely.

“Something is terribly wrong with Robert!” His mother whined, waving her hands dramatically.

At this Raymond perked up though.

“Where is Robert? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him forever.”

“See Frank!” His mother shrieked blowing passed Ray, “He’s been avoiding Raymond too!”

“Ma! What are you going on about?” Ray said also in a whine, his usual nasal voice drawing out the words.

“Robert has barely been here ever since you told us he was gay.” Marie wrung her hands.

“I didn’t say he was gay!”

“I know, I know dear.” Marie brushed him off casually, “He showed up once to do his laundry, he barely said two words to us.”

“It was wonderful.” Frank murmured with a smile only to receive a death glare from Marie.

“So he’s still mad?” Ray sighed.

“No! If only! That would be normal. He came in here humming, singing! He was smiling!” Marie said as if she were describing symptoms of the bubonic plague.

“Grinning like a fool!” Frank interjected.

“So he sounds happy, what’s wrong with that?” Even as Ray said the words, he knew just how odd a happy Robert was.

“He wouldn’t tell us why though! Wouldn’t say a word, and then he left and we haven’t seen him since!” Marie cried.

“I’m not going over there!” Frank yelled in Marie’s general direction.

Marie immediately turned to Ray. Her smile too sweet and her eyes big.

“No don’t even Ma!” Ray backed up.

“Raymond.” Marie said in her saccharine best.

“Ma!”

“Raaaaymond.” Marie said again.

“Ma! No, he’s a grown man. He’s happy! There’s nothing wrong with him! He doesn’t need me to go over there. We don’t have to “talk”.” Raymond said ‘talk’ as if it were an expletive or the most dreaded of fates, “I’m not going to go over there.” He paraphrased himself with more finality, “Robert will soon be back to his miserable self and he’ll be around so much we’ll be sick of him. So that’s it, that’s final.”

Raymond crossed his arms and stared down his mother with a defiant look.

“Raymond.”

***

Ray found himself knocking on Robert’s door for the second time. He was about to give up when he heard movement from within.

“Coming!” Came Robert’s elevated voice, loud yes but not angry or impatient, he sounded… happy. Just like his parents’ had warned him about but Ray didn’t really fully believe it and if he wasn’t mistaken… he did hear humming.

The door swung open to reveal the smiling face of his older brother, this smile faltered ever so slightly upon seeing that it was Ray at the door.

“Oh Ray.” He said cheerily but distractedly, “Did I know you were coming over?”

If Ray wasn’t mistaken Robert was getting nervous, his brow had begun to glisten.

“No, no…” Ray said a little thrown off by his brother’s buoyancy, “Just haven’t seen you in a while, and wanted to have a little chit-chat” Ray singsonged through gritted teeth.

Ray walked passed his brother, into the older man’s apartment but Robert remained at the doorway, looking out into the hall as if he was expecting someone else to come around the corner. He finally closed the door and joined Ray where his brother had sat on the sofa.

“Okay but just so you know I have company coming and not that you’re not always welcome but…” The implication that he was to leave soon was left hanging in the air.

“No problem! I don’t even… well I mean I’ll be quick.” Ray said nervously rubbing the back of his neck.

“So what’s up?”

“That’s kind of what I wanted to ask you. Lately you’ve been pretty scarce and Ma said you seemed… off last time she saw you.”

“Yeah sorry, I’ve been meaning to drop by a little more often little bro but I’ve been a little busy.” Again his eyes darted briefly to the door.

“Oh yeah? What’s going on?”

“Well I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell everybody… but I’ve started seeing someone.” Robert said with a hesitant pride, a sincere smile creeping slowly on his face.

“Oh really?” Ray laughed, “And here Ma thought you were dying or something.” Ray laughed again as he stood up and made his way to Robert’s kitchen for a beer.

Robert meanwhile sat there frozen, his smile remained but a conflicted look washed over his eyes.

“Ray there’s something you need to understand.” Robert said seriously, rising to his feet, “This person I’ve been seeing--“ But Robert was caught off guard by a second knock at the door. Despite his current conundrum he still instinctively checked his breath and smoothed his hair in a small mirror hanging near the door.

“Oh is this your new girlfriend?” Ray said in that “little brother” teasing tone.

“Ray be nice and keep an open mind.” Robert warned him, his tone firm and commanding before he put his smiled back on and turned to answer the door.

Ray was about to question Robert about this dire warning when the door opened revealing Lewis. He was dressed in a plum button down and dark grey slacks, a dress jacket thrown over his arm.

“Hey sweetie.” He said happily, standing on the tips of his toes in order to give Robert a chaste kiss on the mouth. Robert let his hand come to rest on the small Lewis’ back with the other on the side of his neck.

Ray, for his part, felt like he had the wind knocked out of him.

As the two lovers broke the kiss, they both turned towards Ray with two completely different looks on their faces. Robert looked like deer in the headlights, while Lewis looked a little taken off guard but nonetheless happy.

“Oh I’m sorry I didn’t realize,” He smiled shyly before stepping toward Ray with an extended hand, “Ray right, I recognize you from your pictures. I’m Lewis.”

Ray took his hand and shook it but the frozen, shocked look on his face remained changeless, his jaw still slightly slack even.

“Ray, Lewis is my… boyfriend.” Robert said attempting to sound as sure of himself as he could.

Ray took a moment, frankly he would have liked a month or two but a moment would have to do.

“Your… HELLO!” Ray shouted, literally screamed, with a huge smile on his face, “How are you?” Slightly lower but still well above normal volume.

“I’m fine,” Lewis said with a nervous smile but did seem genuinely amused, “I’d be doing better if I could get my hand back.” He laughed.

Ray laughed as well, but his was fake and very loud and he immediately dropped the other man’s hand.

“Ha! Ha! Right you are!” Ray said excitedly, waving his arms around, meanwhile Robert mouthed silently to Ray over Lewis’ shoulder: ‘What the hell is wrong with you???’

Robert came to stand by Lewis and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.

“Lewis and I have been seeing quite a bit of each other lately.”

“Sorry I didn’t mean to monopolize your big bro.” Lewis laughed.

“No trouble my good fellow!” Rays laughed his false laugh again, his voice getting higher.

“My good fellow?” Robert asked nearly soundlessly.

“Yes well… I didn’t know that….”

“Oh Robert, I’m sorry… you didn’t tell him yet did you?” Lewis turned toward Robert with a worried look on his face.

“It’s okay, I should have told him.”

Robert cleared his throat loudly, in his guttural booming way, and turned towards Ray again.

“Yes Ray, I have recently discovered that I am, in fact, a homosexual.” Robert declared as if he was making a scientific discovery. Lewis, for his part, blushed a little with a sly grin. “In fact I’ve come to believe Lewis and I are…meant to be.” Robert said proudly, saying the last three words in a melodic, over dramatic fashion.

“Well that’s wonderful…” Ray said clearly still uncomfortable but having calmed down some, “Listen Robert, you know I have no problem… I don’t care about all that.” Ray threw his hands up, “You’re still my brother… my big homosexual brother.” Ray smiled a somewhat sincere smile at last.

Robert immediately physically relaxed, sighing in relief.

“When are you gonna tell mom and dad?” Ray asked suddenly and just as soon Robert was tense again.

“It’s okay Robert, I told you; I’m not rushing you, you can take your time and come out when you are good and ready.” Lewis said sweetly.

“No, no.” Robert said, “I’m going to tell them.”

“Well they wanted me to have you come over for dinner tonight…” Ray said hesitantly.

“Great!” Robert said too enthusiastically, “I’m there!”

Lewis and Ray both looked at him with a bit of amusement in their small smiles.

“You know though,” Robert said more level, “That day you all accused me of being gay,” Ray was about to protest but Robert kept going, “Ma was more supportive of me than she has ever been.”

“Yeah she was really nice. It was creepy.” Ray smiled.

Lewis just looked at them both and silently hoped he knew what he was getting into, and then after a moment he just smiled.

***  
Debra was fuming. Ray, however, was used to this and didn’t pay too much attention. Ray was busy pacing back in forth, as Debra got the kids ready to go over to his parents for dinner.

“Ray could you help me?” She asked, frustrated.

“What?” He replied dazedly.

Debra just looked at him scornfully.

“What is wrong with you?”

“What?”

“Ray could you get with it? I’m going to kill your mother. She had the nerve to tell me not to make anything because, and I quote, “We don’t want to upset Robert any further do we dear?”.” Debra sniped in a pretty uncanny impersonation of Marie.

Ray didn’t respond.

“Ray!”

Ray sprung to life at this final snap and sprinted towards his wife, gripping her by the arms.

“Okay I need to tell you something, I can’t hold it in anymore.”

Debra’s angry glare slowly shifted into a look of bemusement.

“…Okay.”

“Robert’s gay!” He shrieked.

“What? Are you still on that? I told you Amy was just upset, let it go.” She rolled her eyes and attempted to turn back to the kids but he held her gently in place.

“You don’t understand! I saw him, there’s a him! He has a… boyfriend!”

Debra just stared at him, her eyes getting wider.

“Are you serious?”

“Yes! WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP?” He shouted, shaking her softly.

“Well, well… She is the spatula…” Debra said mostly to herself.

 

***

Ray was sweating bullets. He alternatively watched his mother buzz around her kitchen from his parents’ living room and then his father where he sat mindlessly flipping channels. He knew any minute Robert and his… boyfriend were going to walk through the front door.

He was getting used to the idea of his brother being gay but frankly he didn’t like thinking of his brother in any romantic situation… no matter who with.

“Ray are you okay?” Debra asked, clearly anxious herself.

Before Ray could answer the door opened and Ray turned back to it, eyes wide and breath halted.  
Robert entered with Lewis coming around to stand beside him, Robert took the other man’s jacket for him and hung it on a hook.

“Is that…?” But before Debra could finish her question, Maria burst out of the kitchen.

“Robert my beautiful boy!” She squealed happily, and dramatically, “How are you son?”

Robert had to take a moment to adjust to her maternal, caring tone; something he was decidedly not used to.

“Ma, I heard you were worried about me and I…”

“Worried? Why would I be worried? Certainly not because you haven’t been in my home for nearly a month, certainly not because of how odd you have been acting, certainly not because you haven’t returned a single one of my calls.” Marie’s concern subtly shifted to a guilt trip about halfway through this speech. It was a masterful act of a passive aggression.

“Hey who are you?” Frank said, seemingly noticing just then that both Robert and Lewis were in the room.

“Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Lewis.” Robert gestured to his companion who waved slightly, “We met recently and have been spending a great deal of time together which is why I haven’t been around as much.” Robert smiled but everything else about him was tense.

Ray’s eyes darted to everyone in the room, Debra smiled, Marie’s hand went to her mouth and Frank looked like he hadn’t quite put the pieces together yet.

“You mean that…” Marie started, taking a step closer, “It’s true?”

“Yes Ma…” Robert started, taking Lewis hand, “I am a homosexual.”

“HOLY CRAP!” Frank bellowed.

Marie just looked for a moment before she burst forward. She smiled and it seemed pretty genuine if a bit exaggerated.

“I knew it!” Marie clasped her hands together, “You had to be stubborn but I just knew.” Marie actually seemed happy for Robert and at least she got to sneak a halfway insult in there as well.

“It just took… meeting the right person I guess.” Robert said shyly, as Lewis blushed.

“Robert this is wonderful.” Debra said in that tone she used when she tried to have everyone agree with her by sheer force of will.

“HOLY CRAP!” Frank repeated.

“Shut up Frank,” Marie said casually, she then turned to Lewis, “It’s so nice to meet you!” She grinned.

“You too Mrs. Barone, Robert has told me so many nice things about you.”

“He has?” Ray asked aloud before he could stop himself but no one acknowledge him anyways.

“Call me Marie dear, and Lewis is it? May I ask what your last name is?” She said taking his arm in hers and walking him out of the foyer and into the living room.

“Dinapoli.” Lewis smiled.

“Italian?” Marie asked excitedly.

“On my father’s side.”

“Good enough!”

“Hold on!” Frank snapped, standing to his feet.

“Frank.” Debra warned.

“No, I will not have this in my house! I raised you to be a man!”

Robert rolled his eyes and stepped into the room.

“Frank, shut. Up.” Debra snapped.

“Dad, lay off him all right.” Ray spoke firmly.

“No! What is going on here?” He sighed, asking God more than anyone in the room. Robert advanced on his father, a look of cold fury on his face.

“Now you listen here old man!” He shouted getting right up in Frank’s face, “You can’t run me down my entire life and then step in and tell me that this isn’t how you raised me! You didn’t “raise” me, you tried as hard as you could to not get “blamed” for me!”

“I worked three jobs, I put food on your table and on your gigantic chin! Don’t you dare say I didn’t raise you! I raised you and I raised you to be a man!”

“Oh you want me to be a man, huh? Because women are weak and noisy and best to without them right? Isn’t that what you always say? You’re always trying to wish Ma away! Well guess what I did you one better, I decided what could be more manly than avoiding the whole estrogen thing all together and instead date ANOTHER man! That’s two men versus one man and a horrible crying woman, what could be manlier than that?” Robert shouted, his face tomato red.

Frank took a moment, and then a wry smile played across his face.

“Huh… I guess you got a point there Nancy.” He smiled a bit wider, “Maybe I’m gay!” He laughed, “Beer Marie!” And sat back down on the sofa. Marie just nodded as if she had already known that his “homophobia” would work itself out in under a minute but Robert, still red, shared a perplexed look with Ray before both sons slowly took their seats on either side of the old man.

“Let me help you Marie.” Lewis smiled softly.

Debra got up to go with Lewis and Marie as they disappeared into the kitchen. 

“So Lewis tell me about yourself?” Marie asked sweetly.

“I’m a music teacher at a nearby elementary school.” He smiled sweetly getting some glasses out of the cabinet Marie pointed him towards as Debra stirred the iced tea.

“A MUSIC teacher!” Marie cooed, “Wonderful!”

“Yes I think so, everyone should have music and at this age they just can’t get enough.” He smiled brightly thinking of his kids.

Debra for her part was trying to think of something to say but as she did so she picked up on the energy happening between Lewis and Marie and felt a sense of dread.

“Mare is that Jean Naté?” Lewis asked as he helped her fill up the tray with drinks.

“Yes it is.” She smiled.

“I love that smell, my mother always wore it.” He said fondly, “She passed away when I was twelve but just smelling that smell brings back the most vivid memories.”

“Oh that’s beautiful dear.” Marie looked at him lovingly, hand on her heart. “She’s always with you know. No greater bond than that of a mother and her son.”

Debra rolled her eyes and left the kitchen, only to run into Ray.

“How’s it going in there?” Ray whispered, looking back on Robert and Frank who were actually laughing together and talking.

“I’m getting edged out for favorite daughter-in-law by a man.” Debra deadpanned.

***

Robert and Lewis just sat on his sofa, Lewis’ head on Robert’s shoulder, with the taller man’s arm around him.

“That went well.” Lewis smiled, and Robert squeezed his shoulder tight.

“Very well.”

“Your parents are very sweet.”

Robert just looked at Lewis, like he was a mythical creature that might vanish from sight.

“What?” Lewis asked, blushing under the scrutiny.

“Nothing it’s just, you’re perfect.”

“I’m far from perfect Robert. Hence why I’m still single at 36.”

“Hey I’m still single at 42!”

“Maybe we were just waiting for each other.” Lewis said as he removed his glasses, placing them on the arm of the couch. He then closed his eyes and put his head back on Robert’s shoulder.

“Maybe.” Robert said contentedly closing his own eyes, “Maybe.”

To be continued?

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really surprised this is the first Everybody Loves Raymond fic on AO3, I love the series a lot and a Robert's gay fic was screaming to be made. In fact I really don't think I did the concept justice, someone else could probably do so much better with it and I have a sinking feeling I made Lewis "too perfect" but alas...
> 
> I'm considering coming back to this world and focusing on the events of other episodes and how they may play out differently if Robert was gay and had a boyfriend.


End file.
